Unlikely Burrito

the new black

2011-09-16T17:27:00.003-04:00

Can it be true? Can it be that people are actually waking up to the fact that material things do not bring happiness?

I grew up as a middle class white girl in suburbia. I always thought we were poor because of the many fights my parents had over money. I am the youngest of four children and the only girl. I never wanted for anything. Meaning that I either worked and made my own money or someway, somehow, my parents found the funds to provide what I desired.

I enjoyed working. When I was younger I could work somewhere to get a discount, and quit just to find another job the next day. I interviewed well, I was blond, and responsible. Looking back I think I was hired because I looked like an "all American girl" or "the girl next door." I don't know. It doesn't matter. But unlike today, employment was easy to find. The reason I worked? Solely so I could spend.

Shopping was fun. Buying was fun. Stuff was fun. Saving was boring. Nobody saved.

Fast forward into adult life I identified with Madonna, remember the Material Girl song. Ugh. It was the 80's, what wasn't there to enjoy? What couldn't money buy? This continued for decades. God, my poor children. On one particularly chilly Texas Christmas morning one of my children actually said to me, "Can we stop opening presents I'm too tired." You would have thought that an enormous star shaped light bulb would have gone off above my head, but it didn't.

It took more years then I care to recall, and almost going broke, to realize that stuff means absolutely nothing.

I worry about the economy because I have been for the last several years a non-consumer. Apparently 3/4 of the American economy depends on the consumer. I believe that many people are like myself, and have quit the gathering spending game. I know this isn't a majority yet, but there are signs movement is gaining traction. My children have always been frugal, naturally so. They have, at a very young age, decided that spending isn't fun. Just recently, I read where young wealthy entrepreneurs are also turning their backs on insatiable consumerism and the American motto of "keeping up with the Joneses."

Could it be that frugality is becoming the new black?
_____________________________________
Some questions to consider:
Do you spend like you used to?
Do you have too much stuff?
If you could buy anything what would it be?

be more nimble

2011-09-16T17:23:00.003-04:00

We have set a goal, finally and we are redirecting our efforts to minimize the burden of "stuff" we carry. When we moved out of our fairly large and over stuffed house of twelve years, into our temporary living quarters, my Mother's house, I thought I had really purged. Well it's been 3 months or so, and the heaviness of our storage unit is weighing on my mind.

We have decided to sell or donate what we really don't need or want. Some items were iffy going into storage so those will be easy to donate or sell. Other items will be difficult to sell, like our pool table and our dining room curio cabinet, both large items and both pricey items. We will do our best.

We just want less to move, less to use, less to fix, you name it, just make it be less.

This entire minimalism concept struck me to my core, the other day when I was reading through a blog about simplifying your life. It sounded so good to me I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's become my current obsession. I am excited about this, and I believe this will provide the kind of flexibility we want in our lives.

Can you imagine, being able to move to another country just for a year for fun? Or spending a year in this state and then that state, because we want to? I don't know where we will end up being, but I do know we can't hold on to a bunch of stuff if we want to be nimble.

2011-08-23T17:47:00.002-04:00

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Batman and Ice

2011-08-14T19:08:00.003-04:00

Checking out the morning paper, or not.

I could have gone a lifetime without this image.

2011-08-14T19:03:00.009-04:00

Note to self - do not do this, EVER! Check out the guy in the background. Actually I don't even like it on my blog. I am going to post a dog pic, to move this downward.

Had to add this one. When will politicians learn not to look like idiots?

I can almost breathe

2011-08-05T21:04:00.004-04:00

We are still paying the bills the company is still alive, but the exciting news is we are launching a new company. Not just me painting or anything like that but a real company that has great potential. We are partnering with people we know, a sales guy and two programmers, and should be ready to show something to VC's in about four weeks.
I am super confident on this one. More later.

In the hood - really

2011-07-11T12:01:00.001-04:00

I am in Brooklyn, where the rent is reasonable and you don't go out at night.

Why am I so different?

2011-06-25T09:37:00.004-04:00

I am so different from the rest of my family of origin, that sometimes I actually wonder how this happened.

I don't agree with any of their core values. I find that strange. I guess that's just the way it goes.

who owns you?

2011-06-24T17:06:00.004-04:00

I found out a little something today that made me think about myself. Who owns me? Well right now banks own me, but that wont be forever. Hands down I would rather be owned by a bank than by a blood vulture.

What is a blood vulture? It's a blood relative that preys on their own. The sole intention of such a beast is to benefit financially from their own siblings' misfortunes.

okay....i am still breathing

2011-06-22T13:15:00.004-04:00

Now that one huge mess has ended, it's time to reevaluate everything.

Still in the down-sizing mode. I have one more garage sale of stuff, then it's time to seriously look at what is left, and scale back again.

I want to live in a moderate sized home. And my greatest wish would be that our house is an eco home. One of those funky things you see, where everything collects, stores, and conserves energy. I am not sure we will get there, but it is in my mind and that's a start.

I give

2011-06-05T15:05:00.004-04:00

This has been a bad year thus far. Not even going to try to sugarcoat it.

S2 w.o.#9

2011-05-09T15:38:00.009-04:00

S2 w.o.#8

2011-05-09T15:37:00.005-04:00

I missed this work out. :(

S2 w.o.#7

2011-05-09T15:15:00.002-04:00

S2 w.o.#6

2011-05-09T15:10:00.000-04:00

S2 w.o.#5

2011-05-09T15:05:00.001-04:00

S2 w.o.# 4

2011-05-09T15:00:00.001-04:00

S2 w.o. #3

2011-04-24T10:05:00.003-04:00

This was really rough. RUNNING 500meter in the warm up...omg. I did okay, I was last running but with the pack...only a few steps behind.

90 seconds is the rest time between sets.

Today is Easter Sunday - I am really sore.

session #2 wo#2

2011-04-24T10:04:00.001-04:00

I missed this one. I could not make it. Was too tired from everything I have had to do.
I felt bad for missing.

Session Two begins- w.o.#1

2011-04-19T23:28:00.003-04:00

Welcome back my old friend. This was the first workout of the second session. OMG! Kristy and I had done this just last week - it's a killer. I am not sure if we beat our old time or not......maybe they will find the records.

Only 17 more work outs! lol yay? will it ever stop now? Three days off felt like heaven.

last 5:00 AM workout #24

2011-04-15T06:02:00.002-04:00

Choice of strength or drills

Strength: You have 15 minutes to find your deadlift 3 rep max

Drills: 5 rounds or 20 minutes of
10 box jumps - max height
10 wall walks
10 toes to bar
10 inchworms (forward & back)

Warmup: 1500 meter row
Cool down: 1.2 mile run
______________________________________
I picked Strength:
warm-up 1500 meters row
135lbs max
90lbs 15 reps
Cool-down:600 meter run + 1000 meter row.

second yoga

2011-04-14T19:51:00.006-04:00

It was good. I took a better mat and we did more challenging positions. I look forward to increasing my practices, to at least 3 x per week.

w.o. #23

2011-04-13T05:54:00.001-04:00

Warmup: CrossFit Warmup x 3 rounds - 10 reps each

You have 15 minutes to determine your 3 rep max deadlift.

Cool down: rest 3 minutes, reduce weight on bar approximately 30% from your 3 rep max, and perform 15 more deadlifts.

120 lbs.
90 lbs.

Tuesday Funday- why?

2011-04-11T18:47:00.003-04:00

Because I don't have to wake up at 4:00AM.

Starting Monday, next week, I am going to be on a strict diet. I want to cut the fat, and hopefully gain definition. I know I am old, but this is what I am doing. Yeah, I can't stop. Stopping would mean defeat. I have been defeated by almost everything else....but this I can control.

I hope this doesn't come off as whining - I am just trying to be blunt.

NO sugar is one of the new rules. I have not look at anything else. I think I'll cut sugar and booze first, then read up on it. Might even get my measurements done - that would take courage.

w.o.# 22

2011-04-11T06:08:00.003-04:00

A day off

2011-04-09T09:53:00.003-04:00

I am sitting here drinking coffee, thinking what will I do. Sure I have work to do. I'll do some. Not all.

It's a weird feeling. Not quite peaceful. I should take the dogs, but I'll do that tomorrow.

It's going to be a simple easy day. LIKE.

crossfit w.o. #21

2011-04-08T17:04:00.000-04:00

5:00AM this morning.

first yoga class-last night

2011-04-07T12:08:00.003-04:00

It was good. I am only a beginner. Sore muscles this morning for sure.
Yoga isn't for wimps.

CrossFit Workout - Wednesday 04/06/11 w.o.#20

2011-04-06T06:48:00.004-04:00

Remember this is my off week. :/ At the box by 5:00AM!!!!!!

5 rounds of:
Standing one arm press - 10 reps, R & L
15 squat pull downs
rest 1-2 minutes

My max was 15lbs. Tried 20ibs. but could only do a few.

Warmup: 5 burpees, 10 pullups, 15 squats, 20 situps - for 10 minutes
Cool Down: Trainer's choice ended up being 2000 meter row

off week w.o. #19

2011-04-04T06:06:00.005-04:00

My iPhone said 4:00 AM when it went off this morning.
It's 6:06AM and I have already done the work out below...This is crazy.
I have tomorrow off. Then 5:00AM Wednesday....again.

CrossFit Workout - Monday 04/04/11
Max reps each round, 1 minute per exercise with 1 minute rest

Round 1: box jump, pullup, box jump, rest
Round 2: situp, pushup, situp, rest
Round 3: ball slam, pullup, ball slam, rest
Round 4: mountain climber, pushup, mountain climber, rest
Round 5: air squat, jumping squat, air squat

woo hoo cross-fit #18 finished

2011-04-02T09:04:00.004-04:00

Session one complete.

Warm up
Then dead lifts. I did 140 lbs. My previous best was 105 lbs.

I made a deal with K. to go to Cross-fit on Monday 5:00 am.....WHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaT? We are going to try to do M-W-F for two weeks....until session number two.

w.o. #17

2011-03-31T22:07:00.001-04:00

30 reps work named Grace

Jerk -press? maybe... It was hard....but I got it done, last in class and they were all watching me and cheering for me ! That has never happened in my entire life. No one has ever cheered for me....I was unsure what to do with it...but my last lift was pretty!

two more classes

2011-03-30T12:56:00.002-04:00

Well I have to say I have two more classes, in my first session of Cross-fit....I never thought I could really do this. I mean, I paid the money and all, and showed up, but really - I have more muscle now. I am stonger, faster, and feel better.

Our class is great 3 women and 2 men, 2 cops, one electrician, and a another girl who I don't know what she does. One of the cops is a woman and she is married to the other cop. Man, I would love for them to pull me over - no ticket for sure. :)

So as a group we decided to take another session. Same bat-time same bat-channel. One week off in between. Ugh! I like the nights I don't work out, but every night I do, I feel like I have done something good.

SO I am hoping to switch up my diet for the second session , and really burn some fat. At least burn the fat that is still hanging around.

w.o.#16

2011-03-29T20:43:00.001-04:00

Redo of w.o. number 3.

First score was 270 today's score 440 - Yay! me.... :)

w.o.#15 your choice

2011-03-27T13:03:00.001-04:00

750 meter row
21-15-12-9-6-3
DB press
pull up
ball slam
500 meter row.

w.o. #14 Chipper

2011-03-24T20:43:00.001-04:00

1250 meter row
100 sit-ups
75 squats
50 push-ups
25 pull ups
10 burpees

I ate the floor on the push ups totally!

Cross-fit w.o. #13

2011-03-23T11:15:00.003-04:00

Heavy weights fewer reps. It was good. Hard but quick.
9 kettle bell 25 lbs
6 knc
3 jump press 15 lds dumb bells
x 12

"deck of cards"

2011-03-20T11:05:00.009-04:00

W.O.#12 -I have come to realize that when the work-out has a name it's going to be really tough.

Entire deck of cards: number on card indicates # reps & face cards = 10
Clubs = sit ups
Hearts = push ups
Diamonds = kettle bell
Spades = swats
Aces 200 meter run
Jokers - 10 something I don't even know the names

For me this was the most difficult yet.... Oh and "Fight Gone Bad" 3x was our warm up. :/

"fight gone bad"

2011-03-18T11:12:00.002-04:00

w.o. #11 - well that was a body buster.
Wall ball, kettle lift, box jump. over head press, row - one minute each one minute rest at the end of the row. 3X
Work out #10 was on Tuesday, not so bad, can't remember details

Cross-fit w.o. #8 & #9

2011-03-15T10:30:00.002-04:00

#8 was the dead lift- I did 105lbs
#9 was the salad bar workout it was super tough 100 from column a,b,c

Cross-fit w.o.#7

2011-03-08T23:38:00.012-05:00

This was the most sweaty workout. Bill said it may be the hardest, at the least he said its the hardest to watch. In any case, it was sweaty and hard, however for me the worst thing ever is box jumping...I have a phobia or something about it.

I left the building to come home to my sofa and watch Biggest Loser and Parenthood. On Biggest Loser I recognized the rowers, the kettle balls...omg how do those people do it.

I still feel soreness after the work-outs but nothing like after the first day...or after the first day of the second week. Maybe the muscles are waking up to what is happeneing...weird how we can actually change our bodies with work. Very strange.

I feel if they can do it I can do it. We started week #3 of the 6 week program....whew...he took a group photo, might end up on FB...I can't wait to see that. It's going to be frightening.

row/ jump press/kettle ball
4 reps different sequence 2minutes 1 minute 1minute then switch count calories and reps.

Cross-Fit w.o.#6

2011-03-05T08:52:00.004-05:00

OMFG.

Only the end of the second week. Four more weeks, then it will never stop....

Right about now, it feels like I cant keep doing this, but Saturday 7:30 am is the hardest...not as much down times between workouts. I just have to keep telling myself I can do this. No matter how old or weak I might feel.

It's not about comparing myself to those around me, it's about changing myself into a better and more fit person. But Damn! It's hard.

Hopefully the work will pay off, I mean if you do the work, which I am doing, there should be results...I am just not seeing them yet. Maybe I am seeing a little bit, but because the workouts remain difficult I think I am not getting stronger. On the other hand, that's the point.

Need coffee...I am spent like loose change.

( this was the 20 seconds on, 10 sec rest 20 on 8 reps of one exercise, then same for 3 more exercises Row/push-ups/sit-ups/pull-ups )

Rainy Windy Friday

2011-03-04T12:23:00.002-05:00

At the office today. I wish one of my three computers here was half as nice as my one at home. These are a combination of what I have acquired, and I need to get all the "important stuff " off them. What a big job. I think I will just buy some hard disk enclosures and take the drives out and have all the info I want through a usb connection. Too many years of family mixed with personally mix with business....and all arranged in a non-logical manner. In other words a nightmare.

But two of these machines have a program I like and use, but it's longer available for free, and it was a download so there are no disks. This makes me reluctant to get rid of these two dinosaurs. The third is a laptop....I don't like laptops, personally, but it has to do for now...at least it has some speed. :)

Much to do about nothing actually.

Cross-fit w.o. #5

2011-03-03T21:06:00.007-05:00

Tonight, I actually felt like puking. Seriously, I thought oh, this is what those people talk about.....but I pushed through and finished. No telling what part of my body is going to be killing me tomorrow. I have muscles I never knew existed, did I say that before??? Anyway, I like the class a lot, there is no pressure other than to complete the work out, and do your absolute best. I like that structure.

I meant to do this before but tonight, I had "before" photos taken....really gross....if you want to know how bad you look.... put it on film. I think I look pretty close to starting point, no great changes as of yet so the next set will be at the Thursday of the forth week, and the final pics will be after the last class of this first session.

Like I said before, I don't think I can ever quit, because starting was too hard....
(this was 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1, series: press /box jump/ kettle-bell)

Cross-fit workout - w.o. #4

2011-03-01T21:42:00.003-05:00

Well after having a break half day Saturday off, Sunday off & Monday off, I felt all the nervousness coming back, as if I wasn't going to be able to do it. Plus I was sick Sunday and Monday, but I paid for this class and I knew I could not fall behind. So I went.

It was rough. But it was rough for everyone in class, which makes me feel better because they are ALL younger than I am...I think one of the other ladies is a Police Officer...I have to ask next week.

5 sets of pull ups, push ups, sit ups, squats in this quantity 21-19-15-12-9 TIMED! That was the work out, but at this place the warm-up and the cool-down feel like work-outs also.

Driving home past the many local bars, jolly/drunk men were outside smoking their cigarettes...all I could think is there is no way they could have done that workout, and then I realized they were killing themselves in slow motion.

That's kind of sad, I don't think they see it that way, what do I know (????) But I felt badly for them, and then good for myself....because it's not easy making this commitment, and I am proud of my choice.

So that's my own pat on the back. :)

poisened

2011-03-01T09:25:00.006-05:00

I was poisoned by bad sushi. Wasn't like normal food poisoning. I am still recovering.

So bare with me as I continue to feel like crap. Only I am much worse than normal because I am so sick of winter, I could scream!!!!! Today the sun is out, but it freezing outside. It's like a sick joke, come out, come out to play - oh now you are here you get to suffer.

Why in the hell did we ever leave California? I ask myself that everyday!

Photo: This used to be my drive to work, I took the ferry to get to the mainland from the peninsula.

Winter sucks the life out of everything.

2011-02-28T12:07:00.001-05:00

I am so sick of it. Fucking gray skies day after day....cold chills, slippery walks, and slop everywhere.

Sunday

2011-02-27T09:07:00.002-05:00

Sunday Graphics
A day off....and I am taking it and going to enjoy the hell out of it. I am stiff, sore in muscles I didn't know existed...there is no way I can stop this, because in order to ever start again, would mean a repeat of the pain. Maybe that how this gym makes their money, knowing full well no one wants to "start over."

Never starting over, I have started and can't stop.

Today is my reward.

second time at de-friending

2011-02-26T22:35:00.003-05:00

What can I say....first time I cratered and let her back in, but then this little voice inside my head said....WHY?

She shares nothing. It's like she is some sort of info gathering spy for her own enjoyment. I like relationships that are two way, never have been much into leeches.

Do you think she will dare to ask why she has been de-friended twice???

That would take some balls. (IMO)

crack of dawn workout - w.o. #3

2011-02-26T09:00:00.006-05:00

To get there, which is only 7 minutes away, I have to at least wake up and get dressed.....eat something so I don't pass out, try to hydrate, so I don't pass out. It was rough today. Got pretty red in the face, but didn't pass out.

Today was the one work out that we will repeat for comparison at the end of the 6 week session. Five sets: rowing for a minute, sit-ups for a minute, squats for a minute , 30 second rest....repeat. I was dead at the end.

I have the rest of today off , Sunday off and Monday off...back to the gym on Tuesday.

If I didn't have Bill making me do this I would still be thinking about it. Everyone is so very nice there, and I am thankful to my pal Libby for telling me all about this place!

Cross-Fit chronicles - 2nd Day.

2011-02-25T12:37:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I really thought that I was not going to be able to do the second workout, but low and behold I did fine. I didn't do great but for me it was outstanding. I left feeling fairly confident which was nice. I am really sore but it is becoming tolerable.

This will work, I know I will get stronger because you can do this sort of stuff over and over again and do anything but improve!! (It's possible the owner is in his 40's)

Above is Jessie, the dog-owner of the gym. :)

2011-02-24T09:07:00.000-05:00

"Choose to align yourself with people who are like-minded in their search for simplified inspiration. Give those who find fault or who are confrontational a silent blessing and remove yourself from their energy as quickly as possible. Your life is simplified enormously when you don’t have to defend yourself to anyone, and when you receive support rather than criticism." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

day off

2011-02-23T19:22:00.004-05:00

Yeah.. sore muscles. That's my comment. I don't know how I am going to be able to do anything tomorrow night at class. Shoot - I can't even for one nano-second when doing the workout think "I can't do this" or my body flat out stops.

This is an "I can do this"-only-mindset allowed situation. I don't want to be the one they scrap up off the floor. I hear it gets better, I don't want to believe that and then have it not get better. You know like a movie you want to see, everyone says it's great then it's not. :(

My world is in shambles, but not my life. SO I got that going for me. I laugh at myself, it's easy to do. Besides I think I am funny.

All for now, waiting on the wine-man to show up. RELAX time.

Cross-Fit chronicles - First Day.

2011-02-22T22:13:00.006-05:00

Just a few words about my experience so at the end of the first 18 class session I can see what I was thinking in the beginning. I can get to the gym in about 7 minutes by car. In class I am:
1. thinnest
2. oldest
3. weakest core muscle there
4. most flexible

One more person is joining on thurday - hope she/he is old like me. :)

I was last on the timed workout, but that's okay. I think I will learn quickly and I am determined. I feel good that I am not doing these work outs with a bunch of extra weight. I have soft spots that need attention, which hopefully will turn to toned parts. It was hard. It was, at one point, OMG can I do this? I did. I have been home for just an hour and I can feel my legs burning when trying to get up from the chair.

The instructor is very cool. He's about 50 something, he is really kind and nice, but stern. Looks like former military , I am not sure. His dog, Jessie, hangs out at the gym.

Anyway, all is good a nice hot bath tonight and then tomorrow I wont be able to walk...

breath

2011-01-29T20:11:00.001-05:00

that's the ticket......maybe tomorrow. :) Off to watch some mindless something on netflix.

wtf is wrong with today?

2011-01-29T14:59:00.003-05:00

Absolutely nothing. Same as yesterday, but worse.

# one rule: don't get caught

2011-01-27T10:27:00.004-05:00

yep, I screwed up. It serves me right, I wasn't paying any attention, and I got caught. No co-pilot. I wasn't even on the look out! Doy!

That is a NY State Police ticket. It's huge. Not like any ticket I have even seen before. Of coarse, I think it was maybe 25 years ago that I got my last speeding ticket.

Ooops!

2011-01-25T08:54:00.002-05:00

I de-friended my sister-in-law. She can unload on her own bother, not me.

really?!?!?!

2011-01-25T08:30:00.002-05:00

Seems some of my relatives are cleaning out their cupboards, and decided to send us everything they didn't want or could not sell. This was done under the pretense of fond memories.

Do they think I was born yesterday?

As most of you know, I have been clearing clutter and attempting to downsize in every way possible. Now I get to clean out their crap too. When I get old, I am not sending any shit to my kids, they can take what they want. I will not force material guilt on them.

today is the day

2011-01-22T08:51:00.004-05:00

The day I pick up the paint brush once again, and actually work. Not business work, artwork. I have suffered a major artist block and now I am making it go away. What is driving me? No quite sure, if I only knew I would bottle it up, and put it on the shelf for future use.

Life moves too fast. Everyday is a rush. I like being busy, but every fucking day at 100 mph isn't what I want. So I guess I am putting an end to the madness, maybe it will last this time. At least it will last for today.

Oh yeah and when I brave the 5 degree weather I will be wearing my new boots..... :)

new boooooooots

2011-01-21T22:27:00.003-05:00

I just got my Tecnicas! Woooo hooo, I never imagined how happy they would make me. I feel like a kid that just got a new stuffed animal....you know the kind you want to carry everywhere, and talk to. That sounds weird, but that's how I feel...I love, love love, them....

Can't explain, but in my lifetime there have been very few material items that made me this happy. Silly happy - just plain unsubstantiated fun, for a change. :)

LIKE!

sitting in my glass house

2011-01-20T08:38:00.003-05:00

sitting in my glass house
while your ghost is sleeping down the hall
watching the little birds fly
kamikaze missions into the walls
think i'm gonna stay in today
sit on the couch and watch them fall

life just keeps getting harder
and it just keeps getting harder to hide
the darker it is around me
the easier it is to see inside
outside the glass
the whole world is magnified
and it's half an inch
from here to the other side

i guess that push has come to this
so i guess this must be shove
but before you throw those stones at me
tell me, what is your house made of?
and if you think you know what i'm doing wrong
you're gonna have to get in line
but for the purposes of this song
let's just say i am doing fine
i guess i'm doing fine

© 1999 ani difranco / righteous babe musi

change

2011-01-19T12:43:00.003-05:00

Off to the office again today, only 7.5 more months at this location.

My office is nice, floor to ceiling windows make up the entire two outside walls of a corner office, but there is no place for my dogs. I'll miss the view, but change is good, it has to be.

Change is good because, like it or not, it happens.

Yay! I am not bawling my eyes out today.

pushed beyond the point of breaking

2011-01-18T08:55:00.005-05:00

No song is so fitting for me right now as Cher's new release "You haven't seen the last of me." My life has a lot of good in it, that I would never trade away to get rid of the bad, but it is really really a struggle right now.

I have been pushed beyond the point of breaking, and in those moments I have seen the worst in people. "Nobody loves you when you are down and out." Where I come from if you aren't down and out, they don't love you because they are far too jealous. I have been at that end of the spectrum as well.

I have learned what I don't want for my family, and that blood means nothing unless you were raised with a sense of commitment to family. Ever hear the term "tough love?"...that would be a tremendous step up from no love, zip , nada, nill.

Narcissistic personalities bred and raised, and to top it off - the level of pride that is held for being cold hearted self absorbed assholes is astounding. Anyone who dares to suffer a financial downturn, is a simply a moron, just plain stupid. Not like the entire global economy had any effect on millions of businesses. Hello?

On the bright side, at least their core values are not contagious, and I won't ever feel like I am missing anything from them again. They are just my relatives, not my family.

20 degrees

2011-01-02T08:24:00.005-05:00

Blue skies and twenty degrees, lovely.

Donna's light by her chair has burned out, and her Sunday paper is waiting at the end of the drive. I used to pick it up and put it on her back porch. Now it's not my place. She has one living brother that will handle everything I suspect. I have never met the man, but as I recall Donna said he was a total ass.

Her house sits on a prime piece of real estate. For many years various individuals have pestered her to sell. They would leave offers in her mail box, and call her even after she said no. Hard to imagine what will happen to her home.

I still have my cold, but I am going to suit up and take the dogs to the park. The dog park is my alternative world, which will be changing soon as well. Many friends and different personalities down there. It's a soap at times, but I just observe and try to stay out of the daily gossip.

Wish me luck, I just want to stay relatively warm

2011 new year, new me?

2011-01-01T15:46:00.008-05:00

Ah no, just an older me, with battle scars.

I fought many battles over my lifetime, and some that will never end, however, I am finished with glass half full and half empty bull sh*t. I have a glass. That's it.

So we begin the year older and wiser. Yay! That has to count for something. Simple goal this year, add running to the workout, add meditation to my day, and get something accomplished. There's nothing worse than working really hard just to remain at the same place. I have a tendency to discount what I do, only because my expectation are way high, unrealistically high, and I know this but that doesn't change a thing. This is where the reality police need to come in and shake some sense into me, but that will never happen.

At any rate, I am stuck with myself. I have been sick all week with a cold. The last three days I have have 5 different renditions of chicken noodle soup, at least now I know that fat and salt makes soup better. Even though I am behind the starting line of my new year, I still think I may have a glass.

I return to blogging with all good intentions, and will attempt to post my thoughts more openly than before, and I will try to stay away from my whining blog....such a crutch. --- Wishing myself luck and a happy new year to anyone reading.

Day one new year: Chicken noodle soup, Boarders and family dinner at our house with Gmom.

R.I.P. Donna

2011-01-01T15:09:00.003-05:00

Dear Donna,
I will miss you terribly. I keep looking over but you aren't there. I count you one of my very best and truest friends.

I hope you have found peace.
Love from all of us.

break time - march 14, 2010

2010-03-14T09:37:00.000-04:00

a gift from digital hoarder

2010-03-06T07:47:00.001-05:00

my girls

2010-03-04T11:21:00.001-05:00

Taken yesterday. The sun was out and shining right in their eyes.

music = love

2010-03-02T08:55:00.001-05:00

Just can't imagine a life without music. So many words and sounds have helped me navigate this trip.

Thanks!

march first

2010-03-01T07:58:00.005-05:00

Why so serious?
Why so sad?
It's not that bad.
It could be worse.
Everyone has work to do.
I am not special.
I am not alone.
Someday I will be able to breathe.
Just not today.

17 years ago vs. yesterday

2010-02-28T09:41:00.003-05:00

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Eleanor spoke the truth. What about intense sadness, whose consent is required for that? While cleaning out the basement, I was face with photographs, many framed photos, “not enough wall space many”…..was told maybe I should take the pictures out of the frames.

The suggestion broke me down. Snapped me into fragments, all I could see was what was gone. Never to return, the little babies, or a younger me, a younger us, with nothing but love and hope in our eyes, the innocence of not knowing how fucking hard life will be. Then verses now…..

So does crying help? Not at all. Not fucking at all.

I don’t feel inferior, I feel sad. I don’t think I am weak because of this I just feel broken, like a smashed windshield.

Holding it together unable to see.

worst movie ever

2010-02-28T08:51:00.001-05:00

Everybody isn't fine.

living mostly outside

2010-02-27T08:32:00.001-05:00

It's inspiring to imagine a place where you could actually live like this.

winter

2010-02-26T08:53:00.002-05:00

When did it ever last so long? I really do not recall such a relentless winter. It's wearing on me as everything, I mean everything, is harder to do in the snow.

The promise of spring is only vaguely believable.

Two of my loved ones will be driving through this blizzard, which has me on edge. I will just have to "keep calm and carry on."

peace~
ub

can we make a difference?

2010-02-25T09:22:00.003-05:00

I can only try.

ani defranco

2010-02-24T09:17:00.001-05:00

I will be spending my evening with my husband and Ani, at Oberlin College......I have wanted to see and hear her for years.

smile

2010-02-24T09:05:00.002-05:00

OK so, life may be showing some signs of hope. I started this day with this photo, because I can only guess at what prompted everything from the color choice to the decision to sell, and was wondering who lives in both sides. In my mind the green family looks like more my type because they decided that the small house was enough and they made it their own with paint. The pink side looks more austere to me...like old money, old shrewd money... that had to sell part of their home for some horrific reason. But this is all play in my head,as I don't really care or have any clue.

I call this mental distraction.

just beathe

2010-02-23T08:14:00.004-05:00

Everyday I wake up, and say something good might happen today. Everyday there is a chance......right?

end of an era

2010-02-21T10:47:00.007-05:00

(James at Senior Parents night- it's tradition that they dress up silly)

So this is it. I have gone to my last High School sporting event. May not mean much to anyone, but when you have children very close in age, not even three years between them, suddenly you are face with the void......the empty nest.

This fall they will all be away at college. I mean 5, 8, and 10 hours away by car, living their own lives. My home will be so quiet and empty. I don't know how to be alone.

This summer is the last summer we will all be together. After that my one son will be doing co-ops, my daughter will be staying in NYC.... maybe my other son will come home. I can't even imagine, since I do not even know where home will be.

We have made the decision to sell the house and downsize. Our home is just too big, a money pit, and requires too much work for just two people. I am looking for more land and less house, if that is even possible around here. Eventually we would like to be in a position to we pick where we live, but until the business stabilizes, all we can do is plan for it.

Long story short, I grew attached to our family and our home, and both are changing. It's very normal, but not easy. I never wanted to stay in one place too long, but we did for the children, and now I have sad thoughts about it all changing.

I know our future will be good....it's just that it will be very different.

never change

2010-02-19T09:11:00.005-05:00

The inability to be kind, loving and understanding will never become an ability for those that are my living family of origin. I am sorry to continually contemplate this, as I know this is not uncommon....it makes so many things make sense. The hurt is real, and deep.

I now understand many people better. I understand their pain, their frustration and their sadness. I understand why they turn to different things to quiet the hurt, whether it's drugs, risky behavior, or irresponsible decisions.

I have been blindly living in denial. I never needed their love and support to get by before, so I assumed it was there. I knew that they were kind of mean and cold towards me growing up, but I made excuses. I finished college and I moved away. I was happy living away but I started forgetting the family negatives. I began believing I had a close-to-perfect family. I missed that "perfect" family, I missed being there. I wanted to be near them. I truly believe they existed. Pffft, what an idiot I was.

idol

2010-02-18T09:25:00.002-05:00

I have to admit I like the show, all those young people trying so hard, facing the stress, and singing their hearts out. I am so proud of them. I have my two favorites so far, dread-lock girl, and tall blondie boy. I don’t even know their names yet, oh I guess I could look it up, but too lazy atm.

Okay…… Casey James and Crystal Bowersox

so sweet

2010-02-17T08:57:00.005-05:00

I woke up today, went to take a shower, there was no hot water....dragged myself down to the kitchen, and found this inspiring painted note left for me. All the priming had been completely finished after I went to bed last night. I hate painting rooms and I knew I had a full day of it on top of everything else. My beautiful daughter, did this for me. I was so touched I started crying. How proud I am of her, and what a sweet thing to do. She knows how difficult everything is, and she is stepping up and helping so much.

Today we should be able to paint the first coat and the kitchen can be finished by the weekend. Keep calm and carry on.

Filled with love.
peace~ ub

holding on

2010-02-16T08:52:00.004-05:00

It get stales, being worried and stressed. I am left with nothing to consider, as most is out of my control. So here I go again, trying to plow through the situation. Seemingly alone, even though I know that is not true.

I wake up every morning to a brand new day. Today something good will happen. And whatever it is I will try to remember it, and hold on to it.

silver lining

2010-02-15T08:55:00.003-05:00

At least my family (of origin) members are assholes towards everyone.

I took comfort in knowing it wasn't just me. That is really pathetic.

never stops

2010-02-15T08:45:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I found out that, my 17 year-old niece has been in a in-house rehab center since Christmas. I found out - not from my family, not from my mother or my brother (her father) who both live not more than 4 miles from me. My niece is in my son’s class, same school, he didn’t even know. Mind you, this news comes after the fact that no one ever told me that her step-father died right before Christmas. I learned about that from my accountant.

I ran into my niece’s mother at the store, gave her a big bear hug, because of the loss of her husband, she was the one to tell me about rehab. I felt so bad that I had no clue and that I was of no help to her during her struggles.

We left it that we were going to reconnect my daughter, her daughter….and both of us. I always liked her, and even referred to her as my sister-in-law in the store, even though she isn’t. The girls were close when they were younger and they both deserve the chance to be family – the good kind of family.

I can not understand these people (my family of origin). During all this my brother has not once participated in any of the family meetings at the rehab center. He looks the other way, and to top it off he is suing his ex-wife for custody and modified child support - she will be 18 later this month. What an asshole.

she has no choice wear she's going

2010-02-13T11:03:00.006-05:00

So another week has gone by, and still in the same mess as before. Everyday I wake up thinking; yes, today something good will happen, and of course it does, and for that I am thankful. It's just the good things that happen are the short moments of life, and they happen all the time weather you are struggling or not. The are the moments that you remember, and the moments you cherish, but they don't solve HUGE problems.

The problems linger until something changes. Working toward change is tough, and on a personal scale can be painful. Many times I just want to cry. So I do, and when I am finished, nothing has changed. (except I look like shit)

So today is a free day, a day to set goal get something accomplished and to remember:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

No matter how hard they try, and how cruel and unloving they can be. I am truly seeing the worst in humanity from my very own family of origin. I look forward to the day when I am out of this mess, and far away form anything related to them. I was a fool, many times over, to think they were people of integrity and character.

2010-02-11T17:29:00.004-05:00

It's alright. Here comes the sun.

wrong car

2010-02-10T21:11:00.002-05:00

So I am looking out my office window, and I notice that the tail lights on my car are on. I think to myself, "did I leave my lights on?...my battery will be dead!" I am putting my coat on and watching my car, very confused at what I am seeing. Then all of a sudden a woman gets out of the drivers seat, and she is also just stunned with confusion....she's looking at the car in bewilderment....then she all of a sudden, starts jogging a few rows over.

She got in my car, tried to start it, and when she realized what she did she scurried away.....it made me laugh so hard. There was a lot of snow today, and most people would think that if it wasn't their car it wouldn't have unlocked by pushing the button.

Obviously, I forgot to lock my car.....so funny. I am sure she has a car that looks exactly like mine, she sure tried to start long enough. I could have missed the whole scene had I not been looking out the window....that's my happy story today.

Life is still hell.

perfect storm

2010-02-09T19:21:00.003-05:00

That is were I am, in the middle of a perfect storm. Everyday, another unforeseen, impossible to imagine, issues hits the fan. I'd call it shit, but it's so out of the ordinary that it boarders on some sort of social-econ-fiction. Just when I think I have come up with a somewhat decent plan to get out of this storm, the gods just wont let it be.

I'll take my punches again tomorrow....

......sometimes wish I just didn't care.

selling my baby

2010-02-08T19:30:00.004-05:00

As this economy weakens, those of us who paid our taxes and bailed out the assholes who raped the world....are feeling the pain big time. We, the business owners and employers, are the ones who go to jail, get penalties, get assessed fines, and get our credit ruined if we even think about being a day late or a dollar short.

F them all.....every last one of them; from the banks to insurance and pharmaceuticals to petroleum companies, and while I am at it, F the morons that allowed it all to happen.

I am one pissed off camper. But in reality, I am lucky just to be alive - what a blast! I was carefully and lovingly reminded today, that it's not really my baby....I have many real babies and I would never sell any of them (it's illegal anyway)

peace~
ub

letting go

2010-02-05T08:29:00.004-05:00

That's right, that is the newest challenge, it has been identified. With that in mind, I think that this next year will prove to be one heck of a challenge. There is no option, there is no choice. The little voice that says "I can't" isn't allowed to speak anymore. No more blame, no more second guessing, no regrets allowed.

Moving from very complicated to very simple. It's going to take time, and hard work and letting go. It will not happen over night. No more waiting for the next shoe to drop, it already has.

not starting off too well

2010-02-04T14:14:00.004-05:00

So all my high hopes for 2010 are vanishing before my eyes.

I need to remember how this feels so that when things are going better, and a friend feels down, I will honestly understand. Maybe I will be able to help them, just maybe.

whoa!

2010-01-24T16:47:00.006-05:00

This is what I eliminated today. You see, I am obsessed with using less and buying less, and but what I realized is that I need to get rid of what I have. My solution to "stuff" in the past has always been to buy containers, label them, fill them correctly, and finally put the label container somewhere. Thus the problem begins....first forgetting that the container even exists, and second, forgetting what was even in the container. When I needed or wanted something I would just go out and buy it. This is all make up and skin care stuff...and the more shocking realization is that I rarely even wear make-up. I just like the idea of make up and skin care. I love the packaging, the ads and the claims and the bags - it's intoxicating.

Well not anymore.....and that feels good!

I have other items to sort in the house but this category was weighing heavily on me because I knew I was totally out of control. Someone recently wrote that," the worse thing you can do to get organize is buy a box or a container"...he or she was SO right.

"progress" - it's a good thing.

peace
ub

Rraaaghhhhhh

2010-01-17T16:58:00.004-05:00

One comes home mid-year for a short while, as the last one is excited and prepares to leave for his first year.....James was accepted to R.I.T.

Never a dull moment....that is until fall 2010, when all my little birds fly away at the same time. Some will return - some may not return. Not quite sure how this "mom" will fair....I really just do not know.

peace
ub

leave it behind for a time

2010-01-15T14:31:00.008-05:00

So my baby, is taking a semester off from school. This is sudden news, found out on Wednesday. I am with her now at her dorm packing up all her belongings. She made perfect grades this last semester, but at what cost? The cost ended up being total burn out. She is sleeping, taking a nap just as comfortable as can be, and I am wound up like top. The uncertainty of a decision such as this, is just that, so so uncertain. I have confidence in her, but for some reason this is making me sad and anxious.

What I wouldn't do for my children to fix their worlds? But I can't. It's entirely impossible. I never knew that parenting becomes even more challenging as years past. Knowing how to support them the right way, at the right time, in the right tone, and let them go, isn't easy.

Ouch.

I am aging by the minute now, no longer by years.

peace,
ub

sliced apple

2010-01-13T08:22:00.002-05:00

Beauty in everything.

Today I will not be sour.

That is so yesterday

sour grapes

2010-01-12T19:14:00.005-05:00

Yes, I admit it....I am a bit sour today. Coming off a tough weekend, which included a ton of work up at 5:00 am both days working my @ss off (was in charge of a fund raiser, remind me to NEVER do that again), an airport that was shut down due to lack of electricity ( back-up power transformers were never connected correctly) which left me scrambling for a flight for my son to get to Boston for a new semester of classes starting on Monday.... and ending with the police at my house (after I went to bed), because of a twisted young f*ck who was harassing my son and his ex-girlfriend, by peeping in our windows, knocking on our window, throwing stuff at our house. The same night of his peeping, this twisted monkey also left a disgusting photo-shopped porno pic wrapped in saran wrap on my son's windshield (above)....which is now in police custody as evidence.....sounds like I should be on Jerry Springer.

I am going to look at the bright side here....the image of my husband yelling and running after an 18 year old athlete, in his PJs, slippers, and his Buddha robe, in the snow, at 10:30 PM Sunday evening in 16 degree weather..... kind of makes me laugh.

peace,
ub

letter not sent

2010-01-01T21:03:00.005-05:00

I ate crow and will put it all behind me. I believe this was the peaceful choice for everyone I care about, including myself.